Avoiding the triggers

I can't protect myself from everything, but it always helps to stay aware

Eclipse traffic jam in the Midwest.

I have experienced serious triggering events in the last few years that resulted in very bad outcomes, and I knew the 2024 eclipse had a huge potential to be one of those events. So, I didn’t make any special plans. I watched others online, and I enjoyed reading about others witnessing the eclipse. Here’s why I avoided this year’s eclipse.

In August 2017, the time of the Great American Eclipse, this was the next-to-the last trip I took with him. For years, I had taken the kids on a summer trip to spend a couple of weeks with relatives, usually just before school started. He never went with us, claiming he was too busy. (In truth, he didn’t want to waste his vacation time on me and my family or friends.) He agreed to go with us that August if it only cost him a day or two of vacation time, so I drastically reduced the time of our stay and got ready to go.

The plan was to leave the house at 7 a.m., because we had to drop off the dog at the kennel, whose drop-off time was 7-7:30 a.m. Sharp. So, it was 6:50 a.m., the kids and I were in the car with the dog, and he was running around outside. I got out to ask what he was doing and told him we had 10 minutes before we needed to leave. He waved his hand at me, looked at me with contempt, and walked away. He might as well have flipped me off. Then he walked verrrrrrrrry slowly into the house and made a pot of coffee. He ambled out to the car. I didn’t have a complete abuse vocabulary back then, but I knew I was experiencing some passive-aggressive fuckery.

It was 7:10 a.m. The kennel was 30 minutes away. I insisted on driving and made it to the kennel with two minutes to spare. My son and I drove the 6.5-hour trip to get to our destination.

While there, he insulted me and my relatives by making fun of all the eclipse hype and all the “stupid people” who were traveling far and wide to see this thing, not realizing (or not caring) that he was also talking about us. We had planned an eclipse party with food and eclipse-viewing glasses for everyone.

Returning home, the 6.5-hour drive almost doubled. He drove and screamed and raged the whole time. Not just about the traffic but also about what a stupid idea the whole trip was, why did we have to do it, and he was never doing that again. (Turns out he was right about that.) Because every time he was angry, somebody had to be at fault, and that somebody was almost always me. Imagine being trapped in that car for all those hours.

I am so glad to be free of that now. I no longer have to live with the constant barrage of being held responsible for someone else’s anger.

Thanks for being here.